||[Jun. 5th, 2008|06:39 am]
שירן shiranne シラーン 冉施安
|||||Electric Light Orchestra - Mr. Blue Sky||]|
I suppose I'm going to have to own up to the shittiness of the situation. Because besides all the troublesome things that brought me to where I am right now, and even though I'm not a particularly big fan of over-simplifying everything, I guess it could be simplified into me being a cheater. I cheated on Jeffrey. It's hard for me to really think about it as cheating boy when I've only seen him for a week in the last year, three weeks in the last two. But I did break a promise (I shouldn't have made) and there were plans (that were dumb in the first place) and I reached the wrong conclusion when I analyzed all of my mistakes and decided that this would be the not-mistaken best way to go about things.
Looking at the last year it is obvious to me now (and has been for a while) that I knew better than to try and keep a long-distance relationship with Jeffrey, I knew better than to break up with him and abruptly start dating someone else, I knew better than to keep in close contact with Jeffrey while dating someone else, I knew better than to let my feelings for Jeffrey destroy any chance at another relationship that eventually I did get pretty serious about, and I even knew better than to go back and spend an awesome week with Jeffrey when I visited the U.S. in March. So when I realized that I was no longer sure I wanted to wait for Jeffrey now, or that this plan made any sense, or that I saw a future in any of it, I somehow stuck to it anyway, mostly because of Jeffrey's stubbornness that the "wrong" step that would go along with all the wrong steps I've taken, would be to throw it all away now.
And I think this was the wrong step. And along with that wrong step I took three more. Frankie said it, other people said it, I realized it a while back too, but I shouldn't be dating either one of these guys. It doesn't even matter why it won't work out, the fact remains that it won't work out with either one, and I deserve better, and they deserve a whole lot better.
Here is where I would go into the details of everything else that has happened in the last two weeks, try to explain how things happened the way they did, but it really has nothing to do with it. Sure, it's been the hardest two weeks of my life by a landslide, and no, most of that time Jeffrey wasn't there for me, but I didn't do it because I was mad at him, I did it because I'm not in it the way I'm supposed to be and the way I ought to be. And maybe the good result of all of this is that I opened Jeffrey's eyes a little wider now and he's not deluded about me anymore.
Yes, Jeffrey is definitely the only boy I ever really loved and I will always love him in some way or another because he is freaking amazing. But there are so many reasons we shouldn't be together that aren't just distance. Maybe without the distance we never would have realized these things, maybe I would have never seen him forget me and ignore me and lose contact with me as easily as he did and he would have never seen me burn down the last of my promises. (Not that I'm comparing the two, I lost this one, but there are a lot of things to think about.)
I can't wait for my life to change completely because I have nothing going for me right now. I want to go to a new city and study again and immerse myself in a new social world with new people and new experiences. I want to drown myself in something that will help the world a little, I want to remember who I was before I tied myself down to this thing that I've grown to despise with all of my heart (like every other military servicing Israeli that ever lived). I want to remember the reasons Jeffrey liked me in the first place, the reason I liked me in the first place, the things that I had going for me. I have nothing going for me right now. If I can last these next few months without drowning much deeper, then maybe I can call this a hope of some kind. A sortof kindof slightly maybe hope. In the meantime I will let the guilt eat up what's left of me. I hope it leaves enough of me so that I can be better some day. That would be nice.