Oh man. Clearly I've got to stop listening to the Dresden Dolls so much. First I had a dream about Jeffrey and his girfriend being in a band where she sang and rocked out on the piano and he played drums and did back up vocals. They were really awesome. Then I had a dream that all of my male friends had their penises cut off and switched around and all of my female friends had their vaginas (somehow?) cut off and switched around and because I am so dang manly I came out of the surgery with a penis. We were all pretty upset because it wasn't what we agreed to when we signed forms regarding some kind of experiment, but the people were like, "Oh, whatever! Just go get it switched back! No problem!" I woke up and groped my crotch just to make sure it was still okay.
I spent Shabbat reading a book I'm going to loosely translate as "Bagel Wisdom". I read another book by the same author just over six months ago, also on a Saturday, two days after Frankie told me he was thinking about breaking up, and two days before we actually did. He was the one who recommended the book to me, "The Hummus King and the Bathtub Queen". And I hoped the with the way the story started that it was some kind of positive sign about us, but the ending left little room to hope. The book I read this weekend was another crazy, witty, honest trip down vulgarity road, just like the last one, with some hilarities and some sad parts, I even cried a little. And this time too I'm pulling way too much meaning out of it, letting the story decide things for me, when it never pretended to be any sort of guide. This is why I shouldn't read.
I thought my friend was having a party tonight, but it turns out it's actually next weekend. I hate when these things happen... What will I do now?
I am messed up. I am totally messed up. Right now. Because, like I expected from the beginning, this army stuff just ain't for me. I'm not good with structures like this or stress that's like this or a lack of control that's like this. And I was okay with a lot of other things. Maybe not amazing, maybe I'm never amazing with pressured situations, but I was much more okay. Honestly, if 2004-2006 were the best two years of my life, then that's saying something about what I'm good at, right? And if I can count on one hand the amount of times I cried freshman year and I sometimes can't count on two hands the amount of times I cry a day then gosh, isn't that a sign? Sure, I'm pretty sad and stuff, and messed up, and probably more than a fair share of crazy, but I think it's very much environmentally influenced. Nothing in my life is good right now, except maybe my friends, but I do feel pretty lonesome sometimes, when I'm too embarrassed to turn to them with my problems. Today some things happened that had to do with a big reason for my upsettitude since the 23rd of May, and it reminded me of a few more things I'm miserable about, and another reason why moving out and going back to school is going to be completely awesome. Even if it's stressful, it's still going to be awesome.
I'm not keeping Shabbat like I used to. I'm bending corners and starting it just a bit later than usual and ending it just as soon as I see those stars in the sky. And if I accidentally turn a bathroom light off, I'll turn it right back on again, and if an alarm goes off I don't mind pressing whatever it takes to set it straight. It could be that being in the army and being forced to break Shabbat for military things sortof made me less sensitive to these things. I used to be so concentrated on avoiding any use of electricity, and now I forget a little more and mind a whole lot less. I've also stopped keeping fast days the way I ought to. On the half fast day on the 17th of Tamuz I drank some water in the middle of the day because I felt a little woozy. Sure, I was in Jericho, and it was hot, and I had to keep working, but it was only a half day. And then on the full fast day, on the 9th of Av, we walked all over Rome in the heat and I felt woozy and I had a bunch of water in the middle of the day. Sure, it's better not to faint, but why did I walk around so much in the first place? I knew it would dehydrate me like mad. And all of this is making me reconsider things a little bit... How much do I care about using electricity? I always end up asking people to do things for me, like turning on the television or turning off a light, which is totally cheating. Where should I draw the line? I can't see myself starting to drive on Shabbat, or go buying things or something, but is it possible I'll go back on my 10 year decision not to use electricity on Shabbat?
Sometimes even LJ deserves something a little less emo...
I suppose it really started last night after Ma'ayan, Edan and I (they are friends from Jericho) spontaneously canceled our original plan to drive up to Caesaria and watch Rear Window on a big screen (they're having some summertime Hitchcock marathon, Na'ama and I saw Vertigo a few weeks back). We realized we were too sleepy to see a movie and I was kind of too sleepy to drive, so we ended up eating really yummy food and then biking around Ramat Gan in the middle of the night. I'm sure Rear Window must be great, but we had a lot of fun.
Then today I did a little bit of work (wow!!!), I exercised a bit at the new gym on my base, I bought a new guitar case, I made a dumb/silly gift for a friend, I ate more yummy food, and I went to two friends' parties and enjoyed myself a rather lot.
The first party was awkwardly entertaining in that I was on average about 10 years younger than everyone else there, and I'm not sure it's a good thing that people think I'm older when they first talk to me. What is happening to my youthful years?? The second party though was bombtastical. I forget sometimes that I'm totally capable of entertaining people, even if it's in a "ha ha look at her go" kind of way, although sometimes it is just me and the silly boring stories I tell over and over again. Maybe I'm good at meeting people but less good at keeping them close? Well that's something depressing to think about. And it doesn't even make any sense...
But do not be misled! My point is that I'm happy! I'm really happy. There is a word in Hebrew that for some reason is translated as blissful, but I think of it more as being "wholesomely and completely happy", and I'm feeling something pretty close to that right now. Just a nice solid belief in the good of the universe, and no fear of the unknown.
Except the Olympics. I have a bad feeling about these Olympics. :(
Stay positive, everybody. Life is great and I'm going to Rome for three days. Yay!
It's kind of like those people who say they'll "start dieting after this one last ice-cream!" and "stop drinking after this one last party!" and "start fasting starting next Yom Kippur!". To avoid that kind of silliness, I ought not leave the smart decisions I should have made a while ago for "later, when I move away". Moving away won't really make anything better, just like spending two weeks in Jericho didn't make anything better, because the problem is what's going on in my head, not outside of it.
So I know I've told myself this at least a dozen times in the last few months so that I no longer really trust myself on these issues, but I am going to try to not waste my time on guys that see me as a waste of time. And I'll try really hard this time. With a little bit of space I'll get rid of all of these bothersome feelings and who knows, maybe find somebody awesome?
Tonight was amazing. There have been a few Sunday nights where I got complimented by strangers again and again for singing songs of mine I thought I did terribly and playing songs by others I felt like I had completely destroyed. But tonight Shelly and I were complimented by strangers and I just nodded along, because there was nothing else to it and nothing to be embarrassed about, I was also really impressed with myself tonight.
Please. PLEASE. I want more nights like this. I want more feelings like this. I want to hear a random girl ask me, "Well, what are you going to do with that song?" and I want to tell her that I'm going to take that song and conquer the world.
And even if I didn't see it for myself tonight, I thought about something during the drive home. If I think Tal did amazing, and I know he did amazing tonight, but then Tal also thinks that I did amazing, then, well, maybe we're both pretty cool cats?
I just wrote a long entry and deleted it, because I'm using all the wrong words to talk about things that are too important to confuse. I'm not sure what is better. Should I blog about specific things, like how I am excited but mostly super nervous about going to the Technion next year to study Biomedical Engineering? Or should I blog about general me things, like how I have lost everything I used to like about myself? Or should I just keep blogging about nothing at all?